30-Jan-2011
Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am hundred?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: Just 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble or smoke?
Patient: No. I do not do any of these.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another sixty years?
20-Jan-2011
Doctor: Did you take the medicine yesterday?
Patient: Yes! But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : Because it is written on the label “Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.”
10-Jan-2011
Patient: I feel like severe itching, please give me some medicine.
Doctor: Take this slip and go to medical shop.
Patient: Will it solve itching?
Doctor: I gave this for growing your nails for itching.
30-Dec-2011
Lady: Doctor, please prescribe me something to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I cannot get into it.
Doctor: Ok! I will give you a good prescription that will help you to reduce. Then you can wear your wonderful new dress.
Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
20-Dec-2011
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab test results shows that you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What is the worse news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
10-Dec-2011
Surgeon – I am afraid we are going to have to operate you again. Because, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.
Patient: Well, no need to do so! I would rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.
30-Nov-2011
Patient: Doctor, are you sure I am suffering from pneumonia? Once a doctor was treating his patient with pneumonia but the patient died of typhus.
Funny Doctor: Do not worry, it would not happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”
20-Nov-2011
Patient: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Patient: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
10-Nov-2011
John : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
John : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
30-Oct-2011
Psychiatrist: Tell me what is your problem?
Patient: I think I am a lovely chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
20-Oct-2011
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this man sine many days.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
Doctor: Hey what you hear whole day? I do not hear anything.
Patient: I know. It’s been like that for months!
10-Oct-2011
Doctor: Yes, how can I help you?
Patient : Yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, my friend
told me that with this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go
into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood
would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact is your legs are not that hollow as your head is.
30-Sep-2011
Patient: Doctor, I do not feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Take these pills and take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.
20-Sep-2011
Mother: Thank you doctor for saving my son’s life.
Doctor: You are welcome! It’s God who has saved his life. So what about “My fee??”
Mother: Do not worry! I will send it to God through money order.
10-Sep-2011
An old man buys hearing aids from a doctor.
Doctor: Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased.
Man: Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around them and listen to their conversations. In a month, I have changed my will three times!
31-Aug-2011
John: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.
Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.
20-Aug-2011
Husband: Doctor My wife thinks she’s a satellite dish.
Doctor: Do not worry I can cure her.
Husband: I do not want her cured I want you to adjust her to get the sports channel.
10-Aug-2011
Patient to the eye specialist: “Whenever I drink tea, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup of tea before drinking.”
1-Aug-2011
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
“Do you see any change in me?”
20-July-2011
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
10-July-2011
Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.
30-June-2011
Patient : I was suffering so much that I wanted to die. Please Help!
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.
20-June-2011
Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.
10-June-2011
Doctor: I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill. Is there any one you would like to see?
Patient: Yes! “Another doctor”.
30-May-2011
Doctor: What has happened to you?
Patient: I am going to die in 20 minutes.
Doctor: Wait for half an hour! I am coming.
20-May-2011
“Doctor to furniture salesman: Why you bought six backless chairs?
Salesman: Because you needed a stool sample. ”
10-May-2011
Doctor: I have some good news for you, Mrs. Roy.
Pardon me, she interrupted, but its Miss.
Doctor: I have some bad news for you, Miss Roy.
30-April-2011
Seeking appointment with doctor a man said: 2 weeks? I could be dead by then!
Doctor: No problem! If your wife let us know, we will cancel the appointment.
20-April-2011
Doctor: Mr. John, you look exhausted.
John: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have
to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
10-April-2011
Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It’ is perfectly all-right. I am not in a hurry.
30-Mar-2011
“Dentist: For God’s sake, stop making such noises and waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But you are standing on my foot.”
20-Mar-2011
“Doctor: You have throat problem? Have you ever gargled with salt water?
Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming. ”
10-Mar-2011
“A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor: Do not worry! It is due to old age.
Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not
pain?”
01-Mar-2011
Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?
20-Feb-2011
Patient: I think I am suffering form loss of memory.
Doctor: Please pay my fees in advance.
10-Feb-2011
Patient: Doctor, can I ask you a personal question, if you do not mind.
Doctor: Yes you can.
Patient: Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor: Because I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.
30-Jan-2011
Doctor: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He worries a lot about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.
20-Jan-2011
Patient: I am taking rest cure.
Doctor: What do you do?
Patient: I sit every day for four hours in your waiting room.
10-Jan-2011
Doctor: Why are you nervous?
Patient: Because I am going to have an operation for the first time.
Doctor: Hey! But I am not nervous though this is my first operation.
1-Jan-2011
Doctor: You must take five tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we have only 3 spoons at home.
30-Dec-2010
“Doctor: What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please give me some medicine.
Doctor: Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this medicines? I am perfectly all right.”
22-Dec-2010
Marry: Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Bring her in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Marry: Because she does not stop at this floor.
8-Dec-2010
A fat lady: Give me some advice that can reduce my weight.
Health expert: Ok! You must move your head to the right and the left at a
particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
30-Nov-2010
Patient: Doctor, my daughter has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see her.
16-Nov-2010
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Lady: When I get up I feel dizzy for two hours.
Doctor: Try getting up two hours later.
1-Nov-2010
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him.
Doctor: They are for you.
12-Oct-2010
Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?
23-Sep-2010
“Funny Diet Excuses”
1. It was my birthday, so I have eaten the whole cake.
2. Chocolates have many preservatives and preservatives makes me look younger.
3. Broken biscuits have no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie escape.
15-Sep-2010
“Doctor: Run 8 kms a day for 300 days, you will lose 34 kgs.
After 300 days, Patient called doctor I have lost weight, but I am 2400 kms from home. ”
07-Sep-2010
Patient: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Patient: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
27-Aug-2010
Diet & Exercise: Two Overweight Women were talking:- “I’ve got an idea” said one. “Let’s flip a coin. If it lands on heads, we’ll go to eat a cheeseburger. If it lands on tails, we’ll go for a pizza. And if it lands on its side, we’ll go to the gym to work out.
Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am hundred?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: Just 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble or smoke?
Patient: No. I do not do any of these.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another sixty years?
20-Jan-2011
Doctor: Did you take the medicine yesterday?
Patient: Yes! But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : Because it is written on the label “Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.”
10-Jan-2011
Patient: I feel like severe itching, please give me some medicine.
Doctor: Take this slip and go to medical shop.
Patient: Will it solve itching?
Doctor: I gave this for growing your nails for itching.
30-Dec-2011
Lady: Doctor, please prescribe me something to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I cannot get into it.
Doctor: Ok! I will give you a good prescription that will help you to reduce. Then you can wear your wonderful new dress.
Lady: Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.
20-Dec-2011
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab test results shows that you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What is the worse news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
10-Dec-2011
Surgeon – I am afraid we are going to have to operate you again. Because, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.
Patient: Well, no need to do so! I would rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.
30-Nov-2011
Patient: Doctor, are you sure I am suffering from pneumonia? Once a doctor was treating his patient with pneumonia but the patient died of typhus.
Funny Doctor: Do not worry, it would not happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”
20-Nov-2011
Patient: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Patient: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
10-Nov-2011
John : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
John : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
30-Oct-2011
Psychiatrist: Tell me what is your problem?
Patient: I think I am a lovely chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
20-Oct-2011
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this man sine many days.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
Doctor: Hey what you hear whole day? I do not hear anything.
Patient: I know. It’s been like that for months!
10-Oct-2011
Doctor: Yes, how can I help you?
Patient : Yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, my friend
told me that with this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go
into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood
would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact is your legs are not that hollow as your head is.
30-Sep-2011
Patient: Doctor, I do not feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Take these pills and take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.
20-Sep-2011
Mother: Thank you doctor for saving my son’s life.
Doctor: You are welcome! It’s God who has saved his life. So what about “My fee??”
Mother: Do not worry! I will send it to God through money order.
10-Sep-2011
An old man buys hearing aids from a doctor.
Doctor: Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased.
Man: Oh, I have not told my family yet. I just sit around them and listen to their conversations. In a month, I have changed my will three times!
31-Aug-2011
John: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.
Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.
20-Aug-2011
Husband: Doctor My wife thinks she’s a satellite dish.
Doctor: Do not worry I can cure her.
Husband: I do not want her cured I want you to adjust her to get the sports channel.
10-Aug-2011
Patient to the eye specialist: “Whenever I drink tea, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup of tea before drinking.”
1-Aug-2011
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
“Do you see any change in me?”
20-July-2011
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
10-July-2011
Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.
30-June-2011
Patient : I was suffering so much that I wanted to die. Please Help!
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.
20-June-2011
Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.
10-June-2011
Doctor: I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill. Is there any one you would like to see?
Patient: Yes! “Another doctor”.
30-May-2011
Doctor: What has happened to you?
Patient: I am going to die in 20 minutes.
Doctor: Wait for half an hour! I am coming.
20-May-2011
“Doctor to furniture salesman: Why you bought six backless chairs?
Salesman: Because you needed a stool sample. ”
10-May-2011
Doctor: I have some good news for you, Mrs. Roy.
Pardon me, she interrupted, but its Miss.
Doctor: I have some bad news for you, Miss Roy.
30-April-2011
Seeking appointment with doctor a man said: 2 weeks? I could be dead by then!
Doctor: No problem! If your wife let us know, we will cancel the appointment.
20-April-2011
Doctor: Mr. John, you look exhausted.
John: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have
to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
10-April-2011
Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It’ is perfectly all-right. I am not in a hurry.
30-Mar-2011
“Dentist: For God’s sake, stop making such noises and waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But you are standing on my foot.”
20-Mar-2011
“Doctor: You have throat problem? Have you ever gargled with salt water?
Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming. ”
10-Mar-2011
“A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor: Do not worry! It is due to old age.
Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not
pain?”
01-Mar-2011
Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?
20-Feb-2011
Patient: I think I am suffering form loss of memory.
Doctor: Please pay my fees in advance.
10-Feb-2011
Patient: Doctor, can I ask you a personal question, if you do not mind.
Doctor: Yes you can.
Patient: Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor: Because I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.
30-Jan-2011
Doctor: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He worries a lot about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.
20-Jan-2011
Patient: I am taking rest cure.
Doctor: What do you do?
Patient: I sit every day for four hours in your waiting room.
10-Jan-2011
Doctor: Why are you nervous?
Patient: Because I am going to have an operation for the first time.
Doctor: Hey! But I am not nervous though this is my first operation.
1-Jan-2011
Doctor: You must take five tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we have only 3 spoons at home.
30-Dec-2010
“Doctor: What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please give me some medicine.
Doctor: Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this medicines? I am perfectly all right.”
22-Dec-2010
Marry: Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Bring her in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Marry: Because she does not stop at this floor.
8-Dec-2010
A fat lady: Give me some advice that can reduce my weight.
Health expert: Ok! You must move your head to the right and the left at a
particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
30-Nov-2010
Patient: Doctor, my daughter has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see her.
16-Nov-2010
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Lady: When I get up I feel dizzy for two hours.
Doctor: Try getting up two hours later.
1-Nov-2010
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him.
Doctor: They are for you.
12-Oct-2010
Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?
23-Sep-2010
“Funny Diet Excuses”
1. It was my birthday, so I have eaten the whole cake.
2. Chocolates have many preservatives and preservatives makes me look younger.
3. Broken biscuits have no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie escape.
15-Sep-2010
“Doctor: Run 8 kms a day for 300 days, you will lose 34 kgs.
After 300 days, Patient called doctor I have lost weight, but I am 2400 kms from home. ”
07-Sep-2010
Patient: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Patient: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Patient: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
27-Aug-2010
Diet & Exercise: Two Overweight Women were talking:- “I’ve got an idea” said one. “Let’s flip a coin. If it lands on heads, we’ll go to eat a cheeseburger. If it lands on tails, we’ll go for a pizza. And if it lands on its side, we’ll go to the gym to work out.
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